Well why not post some lyrics, eh?

[uncertaindrumer]

This is one I wrote a year ago. It has a couple rhymes I'm not proud of but overall it is pretty indicative of my style. No verse/chorus/interlude/chorus stuff because that bores me. The theme came from my sister who was trying to keep a premature baby (my now--thank God--healthy nephew) to stay in the womb for long enough to survive. Anyway, constructive criticism appreciated.


The earth shakes and the water breaks
The world seems to contract
The joyous moment anticipated
Comes without an invitation

Sometimes it seems, without redeem
That this life is far too short
For he who resides inside herself
She gives it all to give him help

Perhaps she can succeed and he can be freed
From the torment he endures
Escaping infection, gasping for breathe
He holds onto her, and what she has left

The world, so unfair, seems without a care
And what can change the scales?
Can a spirit so broken be enough?
In this journey through a metaphorical rough

No day goes by when she does not wonder why
And although that seems so cliché
Everything ever labeled as such
Started because it was needed so much

They tell no lies, hide none behind their eyes
The brutal truth is conveyed
But she bears it all with what she can
Attempting to let him become a man

[Rocketqueen]

why not thanks for sharing it i love reading other writers stuff i must say it kicked ass i liked the entire thing very bold ;) and strong wrting about your sis and her baby Life is A beautiful thing what ever the cost :) my friend and some deserve it in full that yet have not had chance to live yet somethings takes a lot time like your wrting im sure a lot went into it

[Ana4Stapp]

Im completely surprised...

[uncertaindrumer]

^By what, if you don't mind me asking?

[Ana4Stapp]

^By what, if you don't mind me asking?

Very personal lyrics and this kinda of thing coming from you... :rolleyes:

[The Lithium]

Very good lyrics, but it's not better than Mark's, I can't say that! I really like this lyrics... It's funny, because I've written lyrics similar to this one!

[uncertaindrumer]

Very good lyrics, but it's not better than Mark's, I can't say that! I really like this lyrics... It's funny, because I've written lyrics similar to this one!

Like I really expected someone who likes Mark's lyrics better than Myles to think MY lyrics were better than Mark's... :rolleyes:

lol

[metalanus]

take out the word "technically" it screws up the flow. other than that its good but I would not say its better than marks because its one lyric. 12 songs take more talent than 1 song so post some more. this coukld be a one hit wonder in a metaphorical sense.

[uncertaindrumer]

I have often tried to remove the "technically". It really needs a word there though or else it doesn't go well. Any suggestions on which word to use?

As for the Mark having more... Come on, that's a little lame. This is his JOB, it is most certainly not mine. It's a hobby, and not even my first at that. 12 songs doesn't take more talent, it takes more time. Not that I would mind posting a few other songs but I don't like saturating a forum with a lot of my songs at once because I like to get the most out of each that I can.

EDIT: Is it better now?

[Bridge of Clay]

that's pretty good, actually.

But I don't see a melody fit to it unless you do some blues-ish talking. There are a few words with too many syllables: anticipated, physically, metaphorical.

Also, as another feedback: perhaps you may want to fit each line of the verses with the same number of syllables (I don't think I can spell it! I hope it's right...) to make an easier melody.

I don't know...at least I... I can't think of a melody to fit and I'm pretty good with it. Other than that, it's just poetry. Unless you post a clip of you singing it for us so we can get a clearer idea! :)

[metalanus]

i did that with one of mine and noone either listened to it or just didnt give me feedback.

[RoffeDH]

The lyrics were good, but not great... Don't like the hole thing about not having a verse or a chorus... OR if you don't like to have verses or choruses you'd have to make longer verses... The song would just repeat itself to often... Other then that it's good...

[Ana4Stapp]

i did that with one of mine and noone either listened to it didnt give me feedback.

I tried but after downloading the file- it cant open...

[Anna1011]

there wer bits of this i liked
Escaping infection, gasping for breathe
He holds onto her, and what she has left

and bits i didnt
Some would say she is wasting away
They might be physically correct
But the love that is shared
Is far too strong, though so scared

but was better than anything ive ever written :)

[uncertaindrumer]

^I just got rid of that stupid stanza... have no idea why it was in there in the first place. Usless piece of crap.

Anyway as for the melody, I have one. That's why verse/chorus/verse/chorus doesn't work well for me when you are JUST seeing the lyrics. It will just be repetative. There is definitely a melody though, not to fear, lol And it isn't just repeating itself, musically, over and over again. It changes.

As for the long words... meh. Long words I like. lol

[Rocketqueen]

^I just got rid of that stupid stanza... have no idea why it was in there in the first place. Usless piece of crap.

Anyway as for the melody, I have one. That's why verse/chorus/verse/chorus doesn't work well for me when you are JUST seeing the lyrics. It will just be repetative. There is definitely a melody though, not to fear, lol And it isn't just repeating itself, musically, over and over again. It changes.

As for the long words... meh. Long words I like. lol
thats awsome my friend some melodys you can just hear changing its a must for some lyrics so we can feel theme .... Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;) Job Well Done

[Ana4Stapp]

They tell no lies, hide none behind their eyes
The brutal truth is conveyed
But she bears it all with what she can
Attempting to let him become a man

Really like these... ;)

[stappissohot]

lyrics, lyrics, lyrics....ok here is my poem Crack The Whip, I already posted it as a topic, but ah vell, I stole the last part from Creed, never really been good with endings so if you can think of an original one please tell me.... you can make this into a song or lyrics like all my poems so yeah...
Crack The Whip
Caught in the crossfire I struggle through
Frantic, faction, focus guides me too
Death so near everything goes black
Only a small light shines
The nightmare continues as we dodge bullets fired by our enemies
We can’t dodge them forever
Darkness envelops the week
The strong continue to seek
The hope, we search, we try, we cry
Wandering unknowingly through a maze
Our life clouded in a haze
Mist and sorrows
We struggle with the thoughts of peril and death
I walk down a dark alley
A streetlight miles away
Here the shadows conceal the terror
I walk slowly and somberly through
Sad eyes follow me
I don’t know what to do
There are always the questions
Yes the questions
What if?
What if I?
What if your words could be judged like a crime?

[stappissohot]

not a word metalenus or whatever you spell your name as, lol, I know already I stol frantic faction focus from say I, thankies for the information, lol

[uncertaindrumer]

Ummm... dude you aren't supposed to post your song in another's thread. And you end the song with someone else lyrics... what on Earth...

[stappissohot]

not a dude...female...thankies :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[Rocketqueen]

Ummm... dude you aren't supposed to post your song in another's thread. And you end the song with someone else lyrics... what on Earth...
yes sweetie i agree no ofense but you gotta got start your own thread before ya do that its ok though just remembear next time it makes me kinda dizzzzzzzzzy

[stappissohot]

oh sorry....ok then, but I already did, never mind :( :(

[Rocketqueen]

oh sorry....ok then, but I already did, never mind :( :(
Its ok sweetie i left you comment over there its good stuff :jam: :jam: i screw up all the time and cause myself :o i will post something in the wrong thing like what time is right now in the music matters or vice versa

[Ana4Stapp]

Ummm... dude you aren't supposed to post your song in another's thread. And you end the song with someone else lyrics... what on Earth...

See?...give a title to your song, uncertain....

[uncertaindrumer]

You come up with one :D

[Rocketqueen]

Really like these... ;) yes those are the lines i liked ;) except for the becoming a man part ;)
they tell no lies hide none ..behind their eyes :D

[Ana4Stapp]

yes those are the lines i liked ;) except for the becoming a man part ;)
they tell no lies hide none ..behind their eyes :D


well...actually 'to let him become a man' is the part I like more...lol :D

[Ana4Stapp]

You come up with one :D


Five weeks... :D

[uncertaindrumer]

Thn that is it's name. I'd edit the title but I am not sure how. lol

[Ana4Stapp]

Thn that is it's name. I'd edit the title but I am not sure how. lol

Dont know how to edit a post/thread????

[uncertaindrumer]

But the Title always refuses to change for me...

[Ana4Stapp]

But the Title always refuses to change for me...

Yeah, I tried to change one thread I had posted in the political banter but it only worked for the title INSIDE the post (hope you get me!) you know? but not for the thread title ...
so you CAN add a title (Five weeks- not 'five weeks more'!) in your first post here... well, at least, try... ;)

[MrSeeker]

hmmm, it was ok. It wasn't anything I haven't already seen before. But dude, seriously, you are taking away from it piece by piece by trying to please everyone. That's not cool. You should never change something you wrote like that unless you plan to put it to a song, otherwise it's just lame. It's not really your work of art if you change it again and again.
It just loses it's meaning and it's raw emotion. Poetry needs that raw emotion.

[Ana4Stapp]

hmmm, it was ok. It wasn't anything I haven't already seen before. But dude, seriously, you are taking away from it piece by piece by trying to please everyone. That's not cool. You should never change something you wrote like that unless you plan to put it to a song, otherwise it's just lame. It's not really your work of art if you change it again and again.
It just loses it's meaning and it's raw emotion. Poetry needs that raw emotion.

Uncertain???...trying to please everyone???

LOL... :rolleyes:

UNCERTAIN: post the other song you have... ;)

[uncertaindrumer]

Meh, the one stanza I got rid of I meant to get rid of a while back... not sure how it survived so long.

And if I'm not going to change it... why post it?

[MrSeeker]

Well, someone says they don't like a certain part and he makes some excuse for it being the way it is, that or changes it all together.

What do you call it?

[uncertaindrumer]

Excuse? I don't make any excuses. If someone were to say they didn't like the first line I'd tell them they have no poetic or songwriting intelligence. But the stanza I got rid of was bad, so I got rid of it. Generally I leave in the parts I am unsure of, see what other people think, and that helps me make a decision on whether to keep it or not.

[MrSeeker]

"If someone were to say they didn't like the first line I'd tell them they have no poetic or songwriting intelligence."

Obviously you do... :rolleyes:

[Rocketqueen]

:) i knew you would find that one Kev more to your liken :)

[uncertaindrumer]

"If someone were to say they didn't like the first line I'd tell them they have no poetic or songwriting intelligence."

Obviously you do... :rolleyes:

*Is confused*

[Ana4Stapp]

^
Well...cant you see the 'element' irony above? :rolleyes:

[Rocketqueen]

:)

[MissSeeker]

I truly love the lyrics.