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Old 11-04-2005, 11:21 AM   #1
uncertaindrumer
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Well why not post some lyrics, eh?

This is one I wrote a year ago. It has a couple rhymes I'm not proud of but overall it is pretty indicative of my style. No verse/chorus/interlude/chorus stuff because that bores me. The theme came from my sister who was trying to keep a premature baby (my now--thank God--healthy nephew) to stay in the womb for long enough to survive. Anyway, constructive criticism appreciated.


The earth shakes and the water breaks
The world seems to contract
The joyous moment anticipated
Comes without an invitation

Sometimes it seems, without redeem
That this life is far too short
For he who resides inside herself
She gives it all to give him help

Perhaps she can succeed and he can be freed
From the torment he endures
Escaping infection, gasping for breathe
He holds onto her, and what she has left

The world, so unfair, seems without a care
And what can change the scales?
Can a spirit so broken be enough?
In this journey through a metaphorical rough

No day goes by when she does not wonder why
And although that seems so cliché
Everything ever labeled as such
Started because it was needed so much

They tell no lies, hide none behind their eyes
The brutal truth is conveyed
But she bears it all with what she can
Attempting to let him become a man
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Last edited by uncertaindrumer : 11-07-2005 at 10:14 AM.
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Old 11-04-2005, 11:55 AM   #2
Rocketqueen
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why not thanks for sharing it i love reading other writers stuff i must say it kicked ass i liked the entire thing very bold and strong wrting about your sis and her baby Life is A beautiful thing what ever the cost my friend and some deserve it in full that yet have not had chance to live yet somethings takes a lot time like your wrting im sure a lot went into it
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Old 11-04-2005, 03:16 PM   #3
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Im completely surprised...
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So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars
Look at the stars, falling down,
And I wonder where, did I go wrong.




"I know a girl (Gio )
She puts the color inside of my world"

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too
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Old 11-04-2005, 04:14 PM   #4
uncertaindrumer
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^By what, if you don't mind me asking?
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Old 11-04-2005, 04:17 PM   #5
Ana4Stapp
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Quote: (Originally Posted by uncertaindrumer) ^By what, if you don't mind me asking?

Very personal lyrics and this kinda of thing coming from you...
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So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars
Look at the stars, falling down,
And I wonder where, did I go wrong.




"I know a girl (Gio )
She puts the color inside of my world"

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too
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Old 11-04-2005, 04:52 PM   #6
The Lithium
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Very good lyrics, but it's not better than Mark's, I can't say that! I really like this lyrics... It's funny, because I've written lyrics similar to this one!
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Old 11-04-2005, 07:59 PM   #7
uncertaindrumer
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Quote: (Originally Posted by The Lithium) Very good lyrics, but it's not better than Mark's, I can't say that! I really like this lyrics... It's funny, because I've written lyrics similar to this one!

Like I really expected someone who likes Mark's lyrics better than Myles to think MY lyrics were better than Mark's...

lol
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Old 11-04-2005, 08:26 PM   #8
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take out the word "technically" it screws up the flow. other than that its good but I would not say its better than marks because its one lyric. 12 songs take more talent than 1 song so post some more. this coukld be a one hit wonder in a metaphorical sense.
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Old 11-04-2005, 11:35 PM   #9
uncertaindrumer
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I have often tried to remove the "technically". It really needs a word there though or else it doesn't go well. Any suggestions on which word to use?

As for the Mark having more... Come on, that's a little lame. This is his JOB, it is most certainly not mine. It's a hobby, and not even my first at that. 12 songs doesn't take more talent, it takes more time. Not that I would mind posting a few other songs but I don't like saturating a forum with a lot of my songs at once because I like to get the most out of each that I can.

EDIT: Is it better now?
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Old 11-06-2005, 12:52 AM   #10
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that's pretty good, actually.

But I don't see a melody fit to it unless you do some blues-ish talking. There are a few words with too many syllables: anticipated, physically, metaphorical.

Also, as another feedback: perhaps you may want to fit each line of the verses with the same number of syllables (I don't think I can spell it! I hope it's right...) to make an easier melody.

I don't know...at least I... I can't think of a melody to fit and I'm pretty good with it. Other than that, it's just poetry. Unless you post a clip of you singing it for us so we can get a clearer idea!
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Old 11-06-2005, 01:41 AM   #11
metalanus
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i did that with one of mine and noone either listened to it or just didnt give me feedback.
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Old 11-06-2005, 04:07 PM   #12
RoffeDH
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The lyrics were good, but not great... Don't like the hole thing about not having a verse or a chorus... OR if you don't like to have verses or choruses you'd have to make longer verses... The song would just repeat itself to often... Other then that it's good...
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Old 11-06-2005, 04:29 PM   #13
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Quote: (Originally Posted by metalanus) i did that with one of mine and noone either listened to it didnt give me feedback.

I tried but after downloading the file- it cant open...
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So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars
Look at the stars, falling down,
And I wonder where, did I go wrong.




"I know a girl (Gio )
She puts the color inside of my world"

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too
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Old 11-06-2005, 05:33 PM   #14
Anna1011
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there wer bits of this i liked
Quote: Escaping infection, gasping for breathe
He holds onto her, and what she has left

and bits i didnt
Quote: Some would say she is wasting away
They might be physically correct
But the love that is shared
Is far too strong, though so scared

but was better than anything ive ever written
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*And I know*

*You’re a part of me*

*And it’s your song*

*that sets me free*

*I sing it while*

*I feel I can’t hold on*

*I sing tonight*

*cause it comforts me*

"You laugh at me because i'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same"


find me here
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Old 11-07-2005, 10:16 AM   #15
uncertaindrumer
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^I just got rid of that stupid stanza... have no idea why it was in there in the first place. Usless piece of crap.

Anyway as for the melody, I have one. That's why verse/chorus/verse/chorus doesn't work well for me when you are JUST seeing the lyrics. It will just be repetative. There is definitely a melody though, not to fear, lol And it isn't just repeating itself, musically, over and over again. It changes.

As for the long words... meh. Long words I like. lol
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