share a joke thread

[bilal]

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a
woman
gives birth to a kid.

A kid stands up and shouted - We must find & stop her!.

[metalchris25]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[metalchris25]

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

[metalchris25]

http://www.misternicehands.com/

[metalchris25]

http://www.martectx.de/whatswrong.swf

[bilal]

A resignation letter, for the reference.

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f-- k with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Ted Brewer

[bilal]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman
said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise
that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in
the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied,
"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he
will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman
in
the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in
the
world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's
okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog
then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild
heart
attack."

[metalchris25]

Rofl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good One!

[metalchris25]

Some short but good jokes:

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the Road Traffic Authority, to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, and blue. The old man
kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When
the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. He replied, "Got drunk
once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my
son."

[metalchris25]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[bilal]

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Ashley who found a small bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true."

John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
John was ecstatic.

Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer".

The last of them was Ashley. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,


"Shit!!!!!!!........."


Moral of the story : Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in

[metalchris25]

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.

As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''

George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

[metalchris25]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[eusebioCBR]

^those are good

[bilal]

haha.....do we have time.....