share a joke thread

[metalchris25]

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

[metalchris25]

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.
They each had to throw one item out:

The 1st guy threw out an apple.
The 2nd one threw out a bannana.
The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.
A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, "Why are you crying?"
He answered, "an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, "Why are you crying?"
He answered, "a Bannana hit me on the head."

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, "Why are you laughing?"
He answered, "I farted and my house blew up!"

[metalchris25]

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you wont be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

I got 17 people to get off drugs, says the first guy.

Wow, howd you do that? asks the judge.

I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.

Oh, thats nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.

Wow. Howd you do that? asked the judge.

Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...

[metalchris25]

Memo: Cussing at work.
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received
from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language
will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical
importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative
"TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas
and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

[metalchris25]

a lady stops by the local lexus dealer to have a look around. in the showroom she is looknig around and hasn't seen a salesman so decides to look inside one. she opens the door and bends down to feel the leather seats and accidentally squeezes out a big fart.

embarassed she stands up and sees no one around. but just then she turns around and sees a salesman standing right behind her. she thinks for sure hes going to make a comment about her act when instead he very professionally says "can I help you?" startled she thinks what a gentleman not to embarass her by bringing it up. she nervously asks "how much is this one." he says "you may have farted when you touched it, but your gonna crap your pants when you hear the price!!!!"

[metalchris25]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual:

Try to come up with the answer on your own... the answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking? ..................................














don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down......

[metalchris25]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her,kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his
wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain...do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too

[bilal]

hahahaa.................LMAO !!!!! i am sure my office can use a memo like the one above.................

[Rocketqueen]

This Kid was around 8 and he lived a sheltred life and seen a little of the world so one year his prents thought it best they he went to school to get an education and so forth ...kid goes to school and on his way home he stopped by the park where the bigger kids hung out...And he he heared One Of theme call each other A Bastard ....so he got home and he told his mom and dad guess what guys i heared a new word today so they asked what was it son...Bastard !!!! Oh Said His Mom they must have been talking about Brother Hopkinberry From Over At Riverside Babtist Church , oh yes dear a lovley bastard he is doing great things over a riverside sweetheart ....The very Next Day The Kid was Walking Back Home From School Again he came across another place where some bigger kids hang out And he heared One of theme Yell, I gotta Take A Shit And then i will be back...so he asked the bigger kids what shit meant ...and the big kid told him ITS for Lit Dumb Shits Like You To Eat And Be Served For Dinner ....Again He Was Racing Home From School And he passed by the park Yep Again Where Those Big Kids Hang Out ...One Yelled F(*(Ck so this word F***ck had now captavatied him ..so he asked his parents mom dad what does it mean Oh deary oh dear it means you are getting Dressed Now Now Replyed he Kids Mom You Must Help Us get ready For Dinner Your Aunt Beverly And Brother Hopkinberry from riverside Babtist Church Are Coming For Dinner Now Sweetheart Be on Your Best Behavior !!!!! A few hours A later A knock Came To The Door And Of Course The Kid Anwsred The Door It Was Brother Hopkinberry ...His Reply HI BASTARD THE SHITS ON THE TABLE AND MOM AND DAD ARE UPSTAIRS , F&*(**ING

[metalchris25]

Lol!!^

[metalchris25]

# Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

# If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

# Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

# Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

# A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

# Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

# They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

# Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

# "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

# Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

# After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

# Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

# When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

# There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

# Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

# Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

# The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

# Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

# Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

# Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

# The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

# Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

# Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

# Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

# For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

# The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

# Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

# Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

# TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

# After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

# Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

# "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

# Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

# Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

# When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

# Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

# In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

[metalchris25]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder


Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006
We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration and the Department of Homeland Security in charge of mad cows

[metalchris25]

oops!

[bilal]

chuck norris rules!!!!!...............


When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it
honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck
Norris.”


On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same
restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at.
Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table,
threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck
to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he
obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm
cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of
her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile
wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the
corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I
didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which
then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's
balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in
the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time
again."




Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge
Chuck Norris...

[metalchris25]

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."