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A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you'velearned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

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^lol!, really I did:laugh:

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the last one was really good.................. :laugh:

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Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.




Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement


Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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Chuck is cool on the screen, but an *sshole in real life.

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more of Chuck Norris......................

The word oblivion was invented so that Chuck Norris would have somewhere to kick people to.


Four out of five dentists agree that only Chuck Norris can prevent cavities. The fifth dentist was fatally roundhouse kicked when he disagreed.


While one day walking down a crowded street Chuck Norris got an erection. . . .There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris was once hit by a bus. . . .There were no survivors


Chuck Norris never met a man his feet did not like.


Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris..

After saving a bus of people that was stuck on some railroad tracks, one of the
people came up to Chuck and said "Thank you so much Mr. Norris." Chuck
roundhouse kicked him to the face and said, "You don't speak to Chuck Norris
unless you're spoken to.



Chuck Norris Viewed himself in the mirror. He quickly round house kicked the
mirror into billions of pieces. When he asked why, he replied..."There can only
be one chuck norris".


Mad Cows are the only thing that makes Chuck Norris Giggle


When chuck norris jumps into the water, he doesnt get wet, the water gets chuck norris.


Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

chuck norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids.


We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it


Chuck does not use toilet paper, because no shit dares to cling on to his ass.

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thats great!

Sonny Chiba could take em.

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^ lol

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Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

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Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ha!!!!

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Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
there is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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^ :hammerlol: man....... thanks for adding up the Chuck Norris jokes........ i cant help but laughin on em.... havent laughed this much for a lot of time......... dunno why...........

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I don't really understand why they're so funny either, but I literally had tears in my eyes on that site.

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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"