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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, ''Fuck.''

Re: share a joke thread
 

^ hahahahahahhahaaaaaa :lolsign:

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It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."

Re: share a joke thread
 

^ i am sure my boss hates me too....i wish he say the same to his PA on my last day of work



One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built
like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver
and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and
the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big
John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He
signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good
stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt
really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again
got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why
not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus
pass."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before
working hard to solve one."

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LOL!!! That was a good one!^

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Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie." replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

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Classic.^
It crashed my browser though.

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A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept
complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.

Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no
earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from
some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He
really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the
operation we ran out of anaesthetic."

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**double post** sory

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Actual Answering Machine Messages

answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers...
~~~~~
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
~~~~~
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
~~~~~
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
~~~~~
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
~~~~~
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
~~~~~
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
~~~~~
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
~~~~~
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
~~~~~
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
~~~~~
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
~~~~~
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
~~~~~
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~~~
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you

Re: share a joke thread
 

That was cool!^

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That's A Good one... I need to use that

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Mr.Bean was sitting in the waiting room at a Clinic.
He noticed a boy crying beside him. So he asked him
Why are you crying"
The boy replied "I came for a blood test"
Mr. Bean asked "So! are you afraid"
The boy replied "No, its not that I am afraid, during the blood test
they cut my finger"
Hearing this, Mr.Bean started crying like a baby.
The boy was astonished asked Mr.Bean "Why are you crying"?
Mr.Bean replied : " I HAVE COME FOR MY URINE TEST "

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Not Really A Joke... but a vid of one of my favorite Comedians!
Jeff Dunham!