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Old 04-18-2006, 11:30 PM   #16
metalchris25
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Re: share a joke thread

You might be a rdneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer, and your sister to get to second base.







sorry, it had to be done.
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Old 04-20-2006, 05:34 AM   #17
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Re: share a joke thread

here's some of my faves. sorry if some are reposts.

so these two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was "asalted."


knock, knock.
who's there?
cow goes.
cow goes, who?
no! cow goes moo!


ask someone if they want to hear the greatest knock knock joke in the world. they say yes. then tell them to start it. then, when you say "who's there?" they get confused!


what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef.

what do you call a cow with two legs?
lean beef.

what do you call a cow with three legs?
tri-tip

how does a butcher introduce his wife?
meet [meat] patty.


H-D
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Today I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long
Gonna make the most of it

Today I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late


--lyrics from "One Day Too Late" by Skillet
from their new album "Awake"
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Old 04-20-2006, 11:17 AM   #18
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Re: share a joke thread

Quote: (Originally Posted by Higher_Desire) ask someone if they want to hear the greatest knock knock joke in the world. they say yes. then tell them to start it. then, when you say "who's there?" they get confused!


H-D



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Old 04-20-2006, 11:59 AM   #19
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Re: share a joke thread

What do you call a bag full of mutilated monkey parts?

Rhesus Pieces.
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Old 04-20-2006, 07:21 PM   #20
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Re: share a joke thread

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Colonel Sanders:
Damn, I missed one!

Anderson Consulting:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
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Old 04-21-2006, 12:05 AM   #21
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Re: share a joke thread

damn!^
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Old 04-30-2006, 06:34 AM   #22
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Re: share a joke thread

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ...for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

If at first you don't succeed...... then Skydiving is not for you

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what its all about?

Dyslexic Satanists sell thier souls to Santa.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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Some people are like slinkys; they don't really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Last edited by metalchris25 : 04-30-2006 at 08:23 AM.
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Old 04-30-2006, 08:18 AM   #23
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Re: share a joke thread

Match Made in Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
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Old 04-30-2006, 08:40 AM   #24
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Re: share a joke thread

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
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Old 04-30-2006, 10:25 AM   #25
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Re: share a joke thread

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Old 05-02-2006, 05:33 AM   #26
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Re: share a joke thread

hah!!^^
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Old 05-03-2006, 07:35 PM   #27
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Re: share a joke thread

A very intelligent Englishmen gets a check-up from his physician. Some time later he is told some very bad news. "I'm sorry sir but you have a very serious brain disease and we'll have to remove 20% of your brain matter to save your life. Your life will be saved but you intelligence will drop to that of a Irish peasant from the 13th century." The man responds "Well that is terrible but do what you do, in order to save my life". The man goes into surgery and wakes up to hear from the doctor "I'm sorry sir but the situation was much more serious than we thought and we have to remove 60% of your brain matter!" The Englishman responds "Fair dinkum?"

LOL see I can laugh at myself!
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Old 05-04-2006, 08:36 AM   #28
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Re: share a joke thread

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?" The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, "Nothing." The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?"

The man replies, "Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos."
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Old 05-04-2006, 05:22 PM   #29
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Re: share a joke thread

^ lol ............... damn..... orange is a bit overexagerated but still true...........
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Old 05-04-2006, 05:29 PM   #30
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Re: share a joke thread

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering
from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas
emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions.
This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent
gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three
silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had
two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is
check is your hearing!"
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