share a joke thread

[bilal]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.The local newspaper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten
your life. So be yourself and enjoy life..... You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[metalchris25]

Lol!!^

[metalchris25]

a young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[bilal]

A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?"

The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw *anything!* Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens-"

Suddenly the incredulous cowboy asks, "*Chickens?!*

[bilal]

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

"Why do you wear that leather vest?" "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."

"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?" "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."

"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"

"That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."

[bilal]

Hot Revenge

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[bilal]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.
"Mickey," the judge said, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaimed Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

[metalchris25]

poor mickey.....

[metalchris25]

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in South Carolina. Upon entering a church in Walterboro, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in South Carolina now... It's a local call."

[bilal]

A policeman stops a car and asks the driver, "Why're you doing 130kmph, sir?"

"I think your speed detector is faulty," says the driver. "My car was in automatic cruise control, locked at 60kmph."

"Don't be silly, dear," says the driver's wife. "This car has no cruise control." As the cop writes out the ticket, the man growls at his wife, "Can you keep quiet?"

The cop frowns and says, "I also notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir."

"Well, I was," says the driver. "But I took it off when you stopped me."

"Now, dear, you know very well you never wear your seat belt," says his wife. As the officer writes out a second ticket, the man shouts, "Shut up, silly woman!"

"Does your husband always talk to you like this?" the policeman asks the wife.

"Oh, no," she says. "Only when he's been drinking."

[bilal]

Dave works long hours at the office and spends most evenings training at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman greets them, saying, "Hi, Dave, how are you doing?"

Dave's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to the strip joint before. "No," says Dave. "He's in my running club."

They take their seats and the waitress asks Dave if he would like his usual Kingfisher. His wife is getting uneasy, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."

"No, dear," says Dave. "That lady also works in the health-club's bar."

A stripper comes over to their table and puts her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Furious, Dave's wife, storms out of the club and into a taxi. Dave gets in beside her and she starts screaming.

"All right, Dave?" says the cabby, turning round. "Looks like you picked up a moody one tonight."

[metalchris25]

that first one is FUNNY!

[metalchris25]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[metalchris25]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I havean elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day whenhe was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up hisumbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sittingbeside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbitfell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[metalchris25]

??? If you receive an e-mail with asubject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.? This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.

??? It will re-write your harddrive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

??? It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.

??? It will demagnetize the strips onall your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

??? It will give your ex-boy/girlfriendyour new phone number.

??? It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

??? It will hide your car keys when youare late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened criminal.

??? It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

??? It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their dates and rendezvous to your Visa card. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.

??? It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub it will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

??? It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

??? It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.

Be very, very afraid