aussie's joke thread

[aussiecreeder]

okay here is where i pretend to be jerry seinfeld....

some jokes will be clean, most will be dirty and some will downright make you blush....lol.

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks
the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny
in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to
call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."

So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets
to heaven first cause you have to be smart."

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart
gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher
says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and
he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."

The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your
feet get to heaven first?"

Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last
night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was
shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"

Why do women have boobs?
So men have something to look at while talking to them.

Confucius Say...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in
hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.

[Ana4Stapp]

^
Love especially the first one...and yeah sometimes in classes we have a Jonnhy...

[GregS]

Haha they were good

[Anna1011]

Lmao awesome aussie

[aussiecreeder]

Guys is your most precious one not letting you hog the remote which is your God-given right? Girls is your honey leaving the toilet-seat up? Then get revenge with these beauties......(if you actually really do use these I take no responsblity for any divorces or kicks to the groin as a result lol)

Guys:
"No honey those jeans don't make you look fat...your ass does."
"They say if you meet a girl's mum, you'll know what your girl will look like in 20 years time. Well at least you are good-looking now."
"Darling I think I have bigger breasts than you."
"Did I see that woman? You mean the one with impossibly long legs, perfect smile, great ass and gorgous breasts? No I didn't see her!"
"No honey I never look at other women. Since marrying you I have never, ever looked at another woman."
"No its okay honey, I don't really mind missing out on a night with the boys. They would just be doing immature and boring things like going to a bar and chasing young pretty things. I would much rather watch the "The Notebook" with you for the 30th time and hear you cry like a blabbering baby."


Girls:
"Awww look its so cute."
"Does it come in black?"
"No darling I don't mind that you got fired from yet another job. Paying the rent is so overated and besides this way I can see you more often."
"Oh wow its a new personal best, you lasted 3.22 seconds!"
"Oh thank God you're finished!"
"My ex-boyfriend had one like that. But then again I haven't dated since I was 14."
"No I don't mind that you fell asleep during the priests speech for our wedding."
"No telling a joke at my auntie's funeral was not bad taste."
"No honey, "adjusting yourself" at my parent's place is perfectly fine. I also enjoy your jokes at my mum's expense."

[facelessmike]

We want more! We want more!

[GregS]

Lol ye keep them coming

[aussiecreeder]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends.

[GregS]

Haha , keep gettin better

[Ana4Stapp]

lol!

[Anna1011]

haha i love that one

[aussiecreeder]

One day young Johnny got caught "playing with himself" by his mum. His mum tells him "Good boys save it til they're 18." He did...11 jars full!

[Anna1011]

hahahahahhahahahaha

[aussiecreeder]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces
of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of
beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became emotional, and
couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.


One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices
Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket.
So.. he decided to go down & get some.

So after he had done the deed, he flew away. Then Wonderwoman
got up and said "What was THAT?" And the invisible man said "I
don't know... but my butt sure hurts."

[GregS]

Lol , first 1 was good. Ive heard the superman 1 before :P