Love the Title. Makes me want to continue reading.
I really like that first line. Very good. The second line is weak though, and you know it. "dud"? Just doesn't fit in a song this somber. You don't have to rhyme, especially when it is that forced. The last two liens are pretty generic, nothing bad or good really.
Meh. More generic stuff.
The first three lines are all cliches. It would be better to avoid cliches, especially three in a row, unless you make a POINT of them being cliches, then you can get around it. The fourth line I REALLY REALLY like. I think that is the most inventive line I have heard in a while. But you hurt a bit with the fifth line. The whole point is to let people make their own conclusions. You can't spell everything out for them. The fact that you are writing in pencil SHOWS what you intend. You don't need to repeat it by saying "So i can erase..." Not a bad line on its own, but the fifth jsut harms a brilliant fourth. The last line is SOMEWHAT overused but here it works well.
Good. I like this. Not the best ever but good.
No no no. Don't force something this much. "bled" barely fits here at all and it is clear you just wanted it to rhyme.
Is this really the way you end the song? If so, its a nice touch. Usually I am not a fan of repetative lines, but this gives the impression that you are about to go through the whole thing again, which, if I'm not wrong, is exactly what the whole piece is trying to convey.
In all, you clearly know hwo to write. Very good job. Some forced rhymes, a few too many cliches and maybe a bit short at parts, but a couple of the liens are very good, and overall the theme is easy good as well. Flow is nice, although the rhyming at parts can harm it when you force the rhymes. Avoid that and you could make it even better.
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Titans baby, Titans.
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