get to the fukken wedding early, wearing my navy blue suit with white shirt and red tie and polished black shoes......going with the conservative Dubya look.
A few of my friends were outside the church, huddled in a circle and chatting. I said hello to them and we went inside. Some hot chick wearing a low-cut dress and had her hair permed in curls was standing at the guest book.
"You the book girl? What's your name?" I asked.
"Rhonda," she said.
I signed the book "six pack dan" and under the address I wrote, "www.thetrolls.com"
So anyway I'm standing in the back isle as people are beginning to file in, and I met the father of the bride, some unpleasant fucko who looked a little bit like an older RObert Duvall
except with a dark goatee, glasses, more Jewish-looking, and get this- TWO fukken earrings. Late 50s and he's sporting an earring in each ear. He made for an uncomfortable atmosphere by drilling me with questions like "You know Jeannette!?" with his annoying grin and Brooklyn accent. Jeannette was his daughter who was getting married today and fukked in the ass tonight by my friend Shawn.
He pointed to some dude who was pacing in the front and said, "THAYAT'S TADD." (translation: "That's Todd.").
He said, "He'll be doing a solo today....AND CAN HE SING!!!" He beamed and puffed his chest out as if the dude was his son. "You will be BLOWN AWAY! He was always such good friends with my Jeannette. He has a voice like an angel!"
Good for him....he can sing. Fukk off.
After the service I was at the reception trying to chat with that Rhonda bitch. She turned out to be Jeanette's friend, and I was bullshitting her while taking peeks at her cleavage and talking about my brand new Chrystler Concord and how I was going to take it up to the mountains next weekend and do some hiking. I was adjusting my coat sleeve so that she could see my shiny gold watch on my left hand as well as the fake wedding ring I was wearing. She asked where my wife was and I said, "We're separated....I just wear this in hopes that maybe she'll come back." She said, "awwwww...." and then I asked, "Would it kill them to serve some lobster here?" to change the subject.
"I love lobster," she said.
"Me too!" someone said.
I turned around and there he was....
That dude with the two earrings
That dickhead again.
"What a fayyybulous wedding!" he said.
"Congratulations," I said. "It must be a special day for you." My cock was raging for that Rhonda skank and I had NO fukken desire to talk to this dicknose.
He grabbed my shoulder and said, "and what did I tell you about TADD!?"
"Yeah, he's.....pretty good."
"Can he sing or WHAT?" he said, floating a cheese-and-beer smell into my fukken face.
Rhonda said, "It was a good song..."
Dude took a sip of his beer and said to Rhonda..." and guess what, Rhaaanda...he's available! Haaahh!! Ah haaa!!" He winked at her and that was it.
I pulled the olive off the toothpick with my teeth, began chewing, and asked, "Then why don't you go suck his dick already?"
"Wha....EXCUSSE ME? EXCUSSE ME, YOUNG MAN?" He was PISSED. His forehead was red and his eyebrows were twitching with rage.
Rhonda muttered, "Oh, Jesus Christ..." and started to walk away.
"Don't ruin your own daughter's wedding," I said in a calming, Tom Cruise tone, putting my hand out.
"You little SSSSHHHHIT!" He hissed through his clenched teeth. He put his bottle of beer down and started walking towards me, ready to make physical contact.
I put my finger up and said, "Hit me.... go ahead and hit me. My dad's a lawyer."
I kinda backpeddled towards the door and grabbed a bottle of beer on the way out. He followed me and walked out the door right after I did.
"Come back here you little SHIT!" he yelled at me. There was a man and woman outside, smoking and the woman said, "Jack!"
"This asshole insulted me!" he yelled. He'd fukken LOST IT!
"Fukkerrrr!!!!!" I yelled at him and did an epic Kenyon Martin tongue-wag and arrogant smile at him and started running. The fukker started to chase me but he was a slow motherfukker.
I ran across the street
and through a playground on the other side, hopping the fences. There were about four kids on one of the little spinner things....
They were about 8 years old or so and as I was running past I noticed it was slowing down so I spun it as fast as I could with the thrust and vigor of a hooting, hollering, wanna-be badass on the Price Is Right, and one of them yelled, "thanks misterrr!!"
The asshole had managed to finally get over the fence by this time, and I said, "excuse me, buddies!" to a couple little kids who were standing next to a little hopscotch designs they'd drawn in chalk on the patio. I hop-hippy-hop-hippy-hippy-hippity-HOPPED correctly on their squares and then ran to the fence and jumped over it and heard a "GET BACK HERE!"
I ran to the parking lot and got in my Concorde and hauled ass with No Doubt's "It's My Life" playing on the radio
Got back to my crib and walked in, sweating, and saw Proctor on the couch with a beer. I had the Heinkiken from the wedding in my hand and popped it open and he said, "how was the wedding?"
I walked by and said, "To Shawn and Jeanette! May they have a long and happy marriage!"
"Cheers," Proctor said, and we clinked our bottles.
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