Comedy Quote Thread
 

SPANDEX! ALL SPANDEX! WHERES THE SPANDEX SECTION!!!!!!!!
Nutty Professor

Hey, that's what dating me will be like. It's a bit embarassing at first, but eventually you'll get use to it. And hey, you may even have some fun.
- Drew Carey


H-D :hypno:

Go that way really fast, if something gets in your way.......turn.

Skiing instruction from Better Off Dead.

*Fish our friends Not FOOD!*

The sharks from Finding Nemo

Arthur: Look, you stupid b*stard, you've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.


Monty Python and the Holy Grail :D.

FROM THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!!!!
Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and -
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [Pause] These go to eleven.

...THIS IS SPINAL TAP!!!!!

This is like Me w/ My Guitars!!

[Discussing Nigel's Guitar collection]
Nigel Tufnel: Look... still has the old tag on, never even played it.
Marty DiBergi: [points his finger] You've never played... ?
Nigel Tufnel: Don't touch it!
Marty DiBergi: We'll I wasn't going to touch it, I was just pointing at it.
Nigel Tufnel: Well... don't point!
Marty DiBergi: Don't point, okay. can I look at it?
Nigel Tufnel: No.

MAN IS IT JUST ME.... OR IS THIS THE BEST MOVIE!!! EVER!!!!!!!

And ANOTHER!!!

[Nigel is playing a soft piece on the piano]
Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of -
Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump."

:D :D :D THIS IS SPINAL TAP RULES!!!!

He must be the king.

Why?

He hasn't got any sh** on him.

I REMEMBER THAT!!!!!! lol... Monty is the greatest...besides SPINAL TAP that is....

Spinal Tap is killer...One of my all-time faves..


"Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?" One of the Heathers from another classic, Heathers.

Ashley - I love you, baby. I love you.
Gabriel - Hey, she just said she loves you. Say somethin'.
Rudy - I had better sex in prison.

(From the movie Reindeer Games)


H-D :hypno:

ok i got one....
"SEX CAN WAIT, MASTURBATE!!!"

You've got those.......I like those.

Johnny Dangerously

"I heard you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a f*cking boat."

Crash Davis to Nuke LaLouche (sp?) in Bull Durham

"The UN is like a battered wife, the bitch just don't listen"

-- Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn

"Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?"

John Bender to Mr. Vernon in the Breakfast Club.

HHH- One on one, let's go
Rock- You wanna go huh?
HHH- Yeah
Rock- why dont you go and make The Rock a bologna sandwich, this doesn't concern you!

"ell the cook this is low grade dog food ... This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it."

Al Czervik in Caddyshack

Just a few of my favorites from Dave Chappelle (for those of you who have never heard of Chappelle, he's a fucking hilarious black comedian, got a show on Comedy Central Wed. nights, 10:30 pm est... good stuff):
"Mmmm mmmm, bitch!"
"Good motherfuckin' choice, motherfucker!"
"Sir! I am in no way, shape, or form, involved in any niggerdom!"
"Look here, nigger! If there's gonna be anybody have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me!"
"'Hey baby! Stop selling weed alright, you got your whole life ahead of you.' He said, 'Fuck you nigger, I got kids to feed!'"
"Boogety-boogety niggers! Boogety-boogety!"

Hmm, the humor must be in the delivery. I really fail to see the humor in that.

Whaddya think a colonic IS?! U GO RUN YO' ***HOLE BY THE CARWASH???!!!
Nutty Professor

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Mpntey Python- Holy Grail

Long Duk Dong: No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food.


*Sixteen Candles*

it is... it's not so offesnive given that he's a black comedian, and that some blacks (particularly those around my age group), though most certainly not all of them, refer to each other as "niggas"... if Mr. Chappelle were white, he most certainly wouldn't be on tv, and it just wouldn't be funny.

hahahahah, that is my all-time fave comedy!!!!!


French soldier: Now, go way before I taunt you a second time!

Whenever Katherine revs up the microwave, I piss my pants and forgot who I am for half an hour.

- Eddy in "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation"

Samantha: I can't believe I just got felt up by my Grandmother.

--Sixteen Candles

"I hate the Colonel, with his WEEEEE BEEEEEEADY EYES!!!! And that SMUG look on his face: OOOHHH YOURE GONNA BUY MY CHICKEN OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!"
Charlie's father - So I Married an Axe Murderer

:roll: :roll:



Elizabeth Swann: So that's the mysterious grand adventure of the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow? You spent 3 days lying on a beach drinking rum.
Captain Jack Sparrow: Welcome to the Caribbean, love.

--From "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl


H-D :hypno:

Dave Chapelle rules!!!!

"Women are like refrigerators, they are sixe feet tall, weigh about 600lbs.... Actually women are like a beer. they are small, round, smell great, taste great, AND YOU'D STEP OVER YOUR OWN MOTHER JUST TO GET ONE! but you can't just have one woman, you need another, and another, and another, and another....."

- Homer Simpson



"Oh my God, lesbians!!!"

"I found a dildo!!! Woo hooo, dildo! dildo! dildo! dildo!"

- Stifler



"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Not you, you're cool, Fuck you, dog... I quit!"

- Half Baked




I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

- Ferris Bueller

"I do have a test today, that wasn't bullsh**. It's on European Socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So, who gives a crap if they're Socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car."

- Ferris Bueller

Ferris Bueller: We can't pick up Sloane in your car. Mr. Rooney would never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit.
Cameron Frye: Not a piece of shit.
Ferris Bueller: It is a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours.



Cameron Frye: The 1961 Ferrari, two-fifty GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion . . .
Ferris Bueller: It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.

Cameron Frye: Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself.
Ferris Bueller: A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.



Ahem, no no, THIS is the greatest movie EVER!

ADAM SANDLER IS THE SHIT!!!!!!

"MAMA SAID VICKEY IS THE DEVIL!!!!"

"MAMA SAID ALIGATORS SO ONRY CUZ THEY GOT ALL THEM TEETH BUT NO TUTH BRUSH!!!"

I LOVE ADAM SANDLER!!!!

great movie!
 

EMPIRE RECORDS~ joe i'm leaving the couch, i gottta use the bathroom joe.....joe i'm leaving the couch now. i thought joe said u couldn't leave the couch, not the whole couch! :nono:

oops
 

my not be funny to some people but struck me funny--IF HE DIES HE DIES-ivan drago rocky 4 :rolleyes:

Da people at da zoo will treat U reeeeeeeeeeeeeal resPectable like!

HE CALLED DA SHIT POOP!

U AINT COOL, UNLESS U PEE YOUR PANTS!

SHAMPOO IS BETTA! I GO ON FIRST AND CLEAN DA HAIR
CONDITIONER IS BETTA! I MAKE DE HAIR ALL SILLLLLKY AND SMOOOOOTH!
OOH REEEALY FOOL!
REEEALY!
UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH!!!!!!!!!
STOP LOOKING AT ME SWAAAAAAN!!!!!
Billy Madison

Who does number two wwwwwwwoooork for!!!!!!!!!!!
Austin Powers!

yeah baby
 

so many people cant drive drunk cause they dont learn to drive drunk-chainsaw-summer school :cheers:

yesssssssssss I do~~~SOME PEOPLE DERSEVE TO DIE]]] audrey2 Little shop of horries

You'll wind up livin in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Chris Farley - motivational speaker, lol

BRING ON DA SNL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!