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Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.

The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.

The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"

The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"

The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

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A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his
boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

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A guy driving his car puts on the indicator and asks the other one , sitting next to him, to check if its working. The other one gets his head out of window, looks at indicator light and says, "yes, No, yes, No, Yes, No.....

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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

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Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally
writes a love letter to her

"I luv u sister."

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Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? A: Telling your parents you're gay.

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This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"

All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.

The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"

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A minister was talking to a children's Sunday school class about the Old Testament story of the children who mocked Elisha on his journey to Bethel. For once, he had everyone's attention, as he described how the youngsters taunted the poor old prophet and how they were punished: Two she-bears came out of the wild and ate 42 of them."And now, children," said the pastor, wondering whether he had gotten his point across, “what does this story show us?”

A little girl in the front raised her hand and said, "It shows how many children two she-bears can hold."

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Pun With Monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

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Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, "Did you hear the one about the two Jews who are walking down the street..."

The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"

"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."

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And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:

"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?

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Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.

They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"

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There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who wassaying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.

"Did you say that?" asked the burgler.

"Yes," replied the parrot.

"By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.

"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"

"The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"

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An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.

"Holy cow! What's that smell?"

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."