I recently bought a crystal ball from the home shopping channel for $6.95 (plus $39.95 for postage, handling and insurance) and remarkably it has told me in detail what will occur when we see U2.....quite amazing really. Because the ball told me so much I've had to break this up in three parts. Reader beware this is an accurate portrayl of future events and is simply not Aussie making stuff up! ;)

Part 1 Landing at the Airport

Hayley lands at Tullamarine (Melbourne) Airport at 7:01 PM Melbourne time on the 27th of November about 48 hours prior to the big concert. Michael (Aussie) is wearing a large sign saying "Scott Stapp had my baby" so Hayley can find him.

Hayley:Hi Michael great to finally meet ya after all this time. How are things?
Michael:Really good and you're looking great, but what is that on your arms?
Hayley:No sheep jokes from you busta......and you're looking alright yourself.
Michael:I'll be on my best behaviour......and of course i'm looking good. I am Fabio the most beautiful man in the cosmos......including the black holes.
*Both laugh hysterically*
Hayley:I left the airport at 7:01 in NZ and because of the time difference I haven't lost any time. Preddy cool hey?
Michael:*mumbles under breath* Horses eat hay
Hayley:What was that?
Michael:Oh I said fascinating
Hayley:Oh okay......
Michael:You're my guest and you must be starving so let me shout you dinner, I do insist.
Hayley:Cool where do you want to go? *thinks to self* He better not take me to the steakhouse, I think i'll die in there.
Michael:There is a good Italian restaurant down the road

They walk to "Florentinos"

Michael:Waiter i'll have a main raviolli and a bourbon and coke and a Fosters. Vegeterian?
Hayley:Of course *smiles* Lasagne....meat....Fettucine.....meat ah Vegeterian Lasagne. Wait a sec may contain traces of meat? You've got to be frickin kidding me.
*Michael winks at waiter owner of restaurant who he has known for years*
Waiter:I'm not sure what the problem is.....I'll make sure there is no meat in your meal.
Hayley: Thank you, Michael aren't they're any good vegeterian restaurants in Melbourne?
Michael: Good and vegeterian isn't that like military intelligence or smart kiwi?
Hayley: *laughs* Watch it pal......
Time passes and they finish their meals and the bill is paid
Hayley: You promised me a day at one of Ozy's great beaches tomorrow, make sure you pick me up reasonably early.
Michael:I'll pick you up about 10.....
Michael drops Hayley off at her motel and drives home

The next instalment "A Day at the Beach"........

LMFAO that was awesome!! :bigjump:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

LOL nooo you're going to be looking at my arms the whole time!!!! ;)

:hammerlol

God, that was funny .... :D :D

And by the way, you do know I won't be talking anything other than U2 because I will be too frickin excited lol :D

Glad you enjoyed that but that is the only beginning of what my crystal ball revealed. Now sit back in your seats cause here is part 2 "A Day at the Beach".

Hayley:Thanks heaps for this, you don't know how long I've waited to sit on an Ozy beach.
Michael: Don't mention it and the weather is great. There is not a cloud in the sky and a hot northern wind.
Hayley:Ohhhh baby nice butt.....
Michael:Thanks
Hayley:Not you stupid that guy over there.
Michael:Really I don't need to know.....
Hayley:You're just jealous *saids with sheepish grin*
Michael:Ah shut up I'm going for a swim, are you going to come in?
Hayley:I will soon but I travelled all this way for a tan and I'm going to get one.
A Long awkward silence occurs

Michael:There wouldn't be a third reason?
Hayley:*In sarcastic tone* Oh yeah and to see you....I guess. Happy?
About half an hour goes by and Michael is getting really bored out there in the water.
Michael:Come on you've being lying on that towel for half an hour. Come on the water is great.
Hayley:Just 10 more minutes
Michael:Well if you're going to stay out here you may as well give me that massage you owe me. Can you give me a full body massage? I did a hammy playing darts last night.
Hayley:Sure but just don't get any funny ideas.
Michael:Me? Never.....*laughs*
Hayley:How's that?
Michael:Oh great hands of gold......but just one complaint. Would you mind not focusing on the buttocks so much?
Hayley:Hey you're the one who said your lower back and legs were really sore.....Hey how could you hurt your legs and back playing darts?
Michael:*Laughs while rolling around sand in fit of laughter* You kiwis catch on quick don't ya?

After a four hour stay at this pristine beach Hayley spends a total of 15 minutes in the water and Michael goes home as red as baboon's butt.

Hayley:You also promised you'ld also take me shopping, I've got to pick up an outfight for the big concert tomorrow night.
Michael: Do I have to?
Hayley:A promise is a promise....*evil laugh*

Michael again drives her home and Hayley spends 2 hours in the bathroom getting ready to go shopping of all activities while Michael is bored out of his brains to such an extent he starts playing solitaire on the computer.

Well that is it for another exicting episode and stay tuned cause Episode 3 "A Man's Worst Nightmare: A Shopping Centre" will come up next.

:laugh: :laugh: You're such a legend lol :p

LOL!! Focusing on the buttocks :p :cool:

Dude seriously this is awesome, lol you have such an imagination :D :D Can't wait for the next one! Hahaha

It didn't come out enough in childhood and now you must suffer.....oh I mean laugh at the madness! lol Are you ready for Part 3? Hang on cause its coming in the next few minutes.....:).

LOL I can't wait :D:D

Part 3 A Shopping Centre: A Man's Worst Nightmare

Michael is highly regretting his decision to promise to take Hayley shopping cause he knows this is going to be pure hell but he has promised himself he'll keep smiling and pretend he's having a great time.

Hayley: Oh shopping I just love shopping, in fact last year I spent $500 in one day.
Michael: That is just insane
Hayley: Hey life is too short Mr.Scrooge
Michael: Hey its being responsible, I've got some vouchers for the food court later on if you want them.
Hayley: You have vouchers and you carry them around with you? Wow you are such a tightarse.

An hour goes by and they still haven't left the woman's section of Myers a large department store in the centre of Melbourne.

Michael: Oh come on how long is this going to take?
Hayley: I flew thousands of kilometres for this trip and I need the perfect outfit. Oh this dress is just amazing I think i'll go and try it on.

Hayley in the space of the next 30 minutes tries on 10 dresses or combinations of pants and tops but none that are "perfect". Finally she brings something that she really loves.

Hayley: Wow this simply gorgous but I have to ask you a question and you have to be honest. Agree?
Michael: Yeah sure *thinks to self* Oh oh I'm in big trouble now
Hayley: Okay honestly does this make my bum look big?
Michael:*thinks to self what is the right answer here? Hey curves are in these days just look at J.Lo and Beyonce, I could say that right? No then she'll think I'm saying she's fat so I can't say that. How bout if I blow that question off and say don't be silly. No can't do that cause then she'll think I'm ignoring her or that I don't care. How bout if I say no dress could stop that behind being P.H.A.T. No way she'll kick me in the balls and say I'm a perv. I'm in a no win situation, what would 101 Ways to get out of hopeless situations women put you though say?*

It looks great really you look stunning I promise. *thinks to self I hope that is good enough*
Hayley: But you said that about the 5 other dresses.
Michael *laughs* Let me let you in on a little secret. No dress makes your bum look big. A girl's bum will only look big in that dress if she has a big bum.
Hayley: You just don't understand typical male.
Michael: What is it that I don't understand? Perhaps if you tell me I will understand.
Hayley: Nothing don't worry about it.
Michael: Oh oh now I'm getting the silent treatment, this is the worst torture of all.

2 hours later (at the same department store) Michael is getting exicted cause he just knows that they'll be able to leave soon and he can go home and relax and he starts going toward the exit when......

Hayley: Where are you going?
Michael: Um aren't we leaving now? You've bought your outfit.
Hayley: Don't be so fast where is your outfit?
Michael: Outfit what do you mean my outfit?
Hayley: Look at you, you didn't iron your shirt and your clothes don't match.
You're going to buy something that matches and it also has to complement my outift. See the outift I bought matches my shoes, my earrings, my bag its great.
Michael: Is this hell?
Hayley: Don't be smart....lets go over to the men's section.

So 3 hours after entering the store they leave and Hayley is driven to her motel room and Michael makes plans to become a Buddhist monk so that doesn't have to be around women anymore. They make plans for Hayley to get picked up at around 6:00 PM the following night and the concert starts at 7:30 PM.

LOL

Honestly, YOU ROCK :D LOL this is so hiliarious

Yeah, tightarse. ;)

:hammerlol That's probably the most perfect, typical scenario that would happen if a woman askes a man that question. Awesome. :D :D

YAY LMAO clothes shopping for you! This is GREAT!!! :smokin:

Muahaha this just keeps getting better :roll:

lol i serve to provide the laughs it is my calling! :D
all this is just the warm-up to the big concert which i'll post tomorrow.....:).

Ooooh that's gonna be good :p

Part 4 The Big Concert

Michael is on his way to pick Hayley up from her motel room and he arrives safely and picks her up and we join them in the car.

Hayley: Oh I am so exicted about tonight, I've never being to a concert before. Have I mentioned that?
Michael: Only 10 times but I forgot honestly......
Hayley: Hey watch it or I'll be forced to open up a can of whoop-arse.
Michael: Ohhhh scary please don't do that thing your rugby players do. I think that might make me cry.
Hayley: *sticks tongue out and pulls scary face*
Michael: Hayley you're white and a bit too small and don't look scary at all.*laughs*
Hayley: *punches Michael in arm*
Michael: Ouch what was that for?
Hayley: Am I scary now?
Michael: *rubs arm* Yes you're very scary. *thinks to self* I really should organize myself for that buddhist monastary in the morning.

They keep driving for about 5 minutes in relative silence (the first time Hayley's mouth hasen't opened the whole trip) when.....

Hayley: Can I put some music on?
Michael: Yeah sure
Hayley: *switches radio on* LIVIN ON A PRAYER!!!!!
Michael: Oh that has got to be the cheesiest song of all time. What is going to come on next mmmbop? How bout if we put on some U2 so I can make sure I've got the lyrics down? There should be the 1980-1989 best of in there.
And it’s true we are immune
When fact is fiction and tv reality
And today the millions cry
We eat and drink while tomorrow they all die
Hayley: You've got it wrong there is no all there just they die.
Michael: *sigh* Oh sorry Miss. No.1 U2 fan.
Hayley: Apology accepted *laughs* Okay you do the Edge's part and I'll be Bono.
Hayley:The real battle yet begun Michael: (sunday, bloody sunday)
Hayley:To claim the victory jesus won Michael: (sunday, bloody sunday)
Hayley: You're singing in the wrong key you oaf!
Michael: Oh sorry.....

Hayley: Ain't you driving a little fast
Michael: No way you may call me Schumacher......Michael Schumacher.
Hayley: *laughs* You wish

The 3 hours of the concert comes and goes and its a great time had by all. Michael remarks that it seriously challenges the Pearl Jam concert he saw a couple of years back and Hayley is currently on the phone to her parents asking if its okay to become a U2 groupie and follow them around the rest of Australia. Sadly for Australia they let her.......

Michael: Wow that was great
Hayley: Oh that was beyond awesome
Michael: You want to go and grab a drink?
Hayley: Yeah sure

Michael orders a drink each and the continue talking......

Michael: Ah I could go another you want another beer?
Hayley: Yeah ok. Michael are you trying to get me drunk? I am shocked.....
Michael: Hey if that would keep you quiet for 5 seconds then yes that is what I'm trying to do. *laughs*
Hayley: Oh you are a dead man when you drop me off at the motel. I've got this big pillow and I'm going to drop you so hard.
Michael: Pillow fighting hey? In our underwear? *laughs*
Hayley: Oh still being a smart-arse hey? Looks like I'll have to serve up another can of whoop-arse.

They drive back to her motel when the following conservation takes place in Michael's car.

Hayley: Thanks heaps for the past couple of days even if you've being a smart alec the whole time.
Michael: Sure thing and thanks for coming down even if you've made my life a living hell. I'm only joking....hehe I've had a great time.....
(thinks to self This might be the wine talking but what is that feeling in my gut? Is that love? *awkward silence in head* Oh its only gas.......)
*Michael does a SBT a Silent But Deadly......*
Hayley: Well thanks and maybe we'll see eachother again sometime. Next time you can come and be my guest in New Zealand.
Michael: Ummm Ummmm yeah maybe......

THE END.......

Muahahahaha mission accomplished, I'm scary! :D

A 190-1989? A BEST OF?!! The only CD you have going? Spare it! OMG ;) You do know, I will be bringing my whole U2 collection ... be prepared ... hehe :smokin:

:roll:

LMAO

:crying: :cool:

LOL ;) :D

You should win a grammy for this .... or whatever those prize things are called. :D That was so funnny, but NO it's the end?!?! :crying:

lol you win grammys for music! ;)
booker awards i think go to books but i can't think of other ones but yeah give me one of those lol. i guess i could write another edition as i do have some ideas. michael makes a terrible decision to take up hayley's offer.........

your whole U2 collection? does that include larry mullen jnr's underwear that you stole from his clothesline? ;)

Oh yeah, oops. (All the same to me LOL) But okay you deserve one of those booker award ones. :D

:laugh: That would be awesome if you could make another edition, you'll get another award! :p

No. They were actually his underwear that he gave me when he secretly came over to my house one night, they weren't on for long so he told me I could have them. :D They're still fresh!! :roll: :pant:

lol you wish about the underwear thing.....hehe.
yeah alright i'll do another edition but i'll do it tomorrow i think. no-one but you gets to see this genius....... :mad: j/k.

No seriously ... just wait until he sees me at the concert ... "Holy heck, theres my New Zealand lover" :smokin: LOL. He's so hot for his age .... :pant: :pant:

:laugh: That's because I'm special, I'm the special one who only gets to see your genious work. :D

he's old enough to be your dad lol.......gross. i read this article today of this guy in the saudi arabian royal family who is about 60 who had married 50 wives in his lifetime. the latest one is 14.......uhhhhh. special but we haven't clarified which kind of special hehe.

He's actually older than my Dad. :o When you think of it that way, it's really disgusting, but seriously, you gotta say, he doesn't even look that old. Must have been that revitalising night he spent with me, keeps his skin nice and healthy. ;)

Eeew WTF?!?! That's strange, some people are just damn right weird.

Oh yes, I had a feeling you would make the little 'special' joke ;) lol

Thank god i made this thread,

Who knows what innosent thread would have been MURDERED due to the stories gone on in here.

X saves the day!

LOL

Yay glad you did or else the board would have been bombarded ... poor squirrels

Yeah when you think of it like that its kind of weird. Don't you think its bizarre how older men can remain sex symbols well into middle age and perhaps even beyond while women by the time they are 40 on the scrap heap? Its really unfair when I think about although I can't think of too many older women who are really good looking. Oh and keep dreaming......;)

Hey X I thought this thread was never going to get off the ground for a sec.....and murdered? Who else is posting around here?

Keep replying!

Keep the trash in the trash can! :D

The next edition of this fabulous tale from J.R Toilkin can be found below....:)

Michael is waiting at home to go the airport to take Qantas flight 2011 to Auckland Airport when a taxi arrives outside his house. He grabs his luggage and heads out the door and is greeted by a man of Indian descent.

Michael: Hello driver
Taxi Driver: Hello are you having a good day sir?
Michael: Oh yeah not too bad and yourself?
Taxi Driver: Where would you like to go?
Michael: The airport thanks buddy
Taxi Driver: *blank stare*
Michael: The airport mate, surely you know how to get to the airport
Taxi Driver: *blank stare*
Michael: Where the planes leave *sticks arms out and makes jet engine noise*
Taxi Driver: Me not speak the english
Michael: You have got to be kidding me! Do you have a street directory?
Taxi Driver: There is a map in the back seat there behind my seat

Michael grabs street directory and is visibly frustrated by this driver's incompetence and is thinking about cancelling the taxi and calling a friend for a lift there. He looks through map and finds the best possible route via various freeways that should get him there in about an hour.

Michael *sarcastic tone* Hey driver how bout I'll drive there and do the work and still give you the money?
Taxi Driver: There is no need for that attitude sir, I was only clowning around *laughs hysterically*.
Michael: *manages slight smile* Ha that was funny....good one *fake laugh*

The rest of the trip to the airport is an uneventful one and Michael take his position in a window seat and is seated next to two elderly ladies.

Captain of plane: Welcome passengers to flight 2011 this flight to Los Angeles will be stopping at Auckland in about 2 hours time. Please keep all overhead luggage secure and if we experience any turbelence on the flight please follow all directions provided by your air hostesses.

Guy sitting behind Michael 1: Hey check that out hostess over there
Guy sitting behind Michael 2: Which one?
Guy sitting behind Michael 1:The blond one....
Guy sitting behind Michael 2:Oh man that is fine....

Old lady 1: Hi and what is your name?
Michael: Michael and yours?
Old lady 1: Betty and this here is Nancy
Michael: Glad to meet ya both
Nancy: Would you mind if Betty swaps with you? She gets a little air sick if she doesn't have a window seat.
Michael: Sure *swaps seats*
Betty: So what are you doing in L.A? Business or pleasure?
Michael: Actually I'm getting off at New Zealand
Betty: Really its got great scenery but just between you and me the people are a little strange.
Nancy: Don't be so rude Betty....
Betty: What its true, remember when we went on that trip with the bowling club?
Nancy *laughs* Oh yeah the stories we could tell you but I'm sure it will be great.
Michael *worried tone* Yeah sure it will be great.....right?
Betty: They have more sheep than people over there you know?
Nancy: Crazy people I tell ya.....actually I think one of the hostesses is a Kiwi. We've seen her on previous flights.
Kiwi Air Hostess: Its a preddy good day hey? Having a good time hey? On today's flight we'll be serving fush and chups at sex o'clock. *she walks to back of plane away from Michael and old ladies*
Betty: See I told ya, they are deviant people always talking about sex. What does sex have to do with fish? Poor sheep.....
Michael: *laughs*

The remainder of the flight is uneventful and the story will begin next time as Michael is picked up after getting a bus from Auckland to Wellington.

:laugh: :laugh: :roll: Can I just say I found that so bloody funny because it's true around here, the taxi drivers are shocking!! :eek: :eek:

Hey! That Betty girl better watch her mouth! :D

:hammerlol

LOL a bus?! Oh you poor thing, that's a long way ... lol

These are so good I think I'll print them out LOL

print them out? oh now i feel special hehe. i wasen't sure if there was an airport in wellington so i made it i went to auckland. is there one?

Yeah there is an airport in Wellington, it's not international though, but stay with your bus ride, that story will be quite interesting. :D

Oh hey, guess what? I was looking at some pictures today, and this one mysteriously appeared! When me and Larry had that wonderful night together I forgot to tell you that afterwards we went dancing, and someone must have gotten a picture of us together! :eek:

http://u2sevilla.host.sk/fotos/larry/lfam03.jpg

By the way, I had blonde hair extensions then .... heh .... ;)

Oh no it's not working, let me go back there and try to find it again

DAMN IT THIS PLAN WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK lol

hey invoking jealousy will not work because i don't care......;) j/k

:eek: Jealousy is a word of evil ... I'm not that mean .. am I? lol nooooo

you're loving andrew and i fighting it out don ya? DON'T YA? lol just kidding....

Actually to be honest, it's most enjoyable LMAO :D Very funny both you guys crack me up lol

lol its obvious you love it.....but i have the upper hand cause i am closer *evil laugh*.

Now you're talking! :D:D

Man, I just keep on going back in forth between you guys, I'm starting to get dizzy ... :razz: lol

Michael gets off his bus that leaves him in the centre of Wellington. By this stage Hayley is 18 so she has picked him up in her first car......a rusty old 1975 Volvo station wagon with the number plate ILUVMEAT. the following conservation takes place in her car......

Hayley: Okay I'll take to my place to introduce you to the family and then we'll take your stuff to your motel room and then maybe get something to eat.
Michael: Okay cool
Hayley: Now my family is cool but my parents are a little quirky.
Michael: *shuffles in seat* Quirky?
Hayley: My dad is a very conserative guy and is a banker and is well a little over-protective. Any male who has come to my house who is not my brother has got the grilling of his life. Because of that not too many guys came home with during high school. I think that was part of his evil plan.
My mum on the other hand is just like a big sister and is a bit of a hippie. If she starts talking about free love or the Vietnam War just nod your head in agreement.
Michael:Okay I'll try to get on your dad's side and suck up to your mum.
Hayley: Good.....

They arrive at Hayley's house and walk inside where they are greeted by her parents. Mum and Dad this is Michael who I went and saw that U2 concert with in Melbourne a year back with.
Hayley's Dad: Oh yeah that would be the one you haven't stopped talking about since right?
Michael: *laughs*
Hayley: Yeah that would be the one *smiles* Michael this is my Dad and over here is my mum.
Michael: Hi Mr. and Mrs.Ginn. Hayley you look a lot like your mum.
Hayley: I do?
Michael: Mrs.Ginn if you weren't married you'ld be in big trouble.
Hayley's Dad:Watch it boy
Hayley's Mum: Oh we have a sweet talker on our hands. You've got to watch out for the sweet talkers *face goes red*.
Hayley's Dad: I don't like sweet talkers at all. The year was 1975 and I was in Year 8 and her name was Sarah. She was just perfect and I was the captain of the chess club and she was my vice-captain. I was already planning the wedding. Then the captain of the Literary Club wrote her this poem and she was gone. *sad face*

Hayley's Mum: Now Michael I hope you remembered to bring all of your toiletries. Toothpaste, shaving cream, razors, toothbrush, deoderant, rubbers
Hayley: (interupts) Mum! Stop It!
Hayley's Mum: What? Its perfectly natural me and your fath (is interupted)
Hayley: Mum you're embarassing.....
Hayley's Dad: You're embarassing the girl. Michael I'm restoring an old Aston Martin do you want to come and take a look?
Michael:Yeah sure

They walk into the garage
Michael: Where is the car?
Hayley's Dad: Just put those leads on your body
Michael: Is this a lie detector machine? What kind of banker are you?
Hayley's Dad: Only my wife knows this but I am a member of the New Zealand Secret Service. I'm semi-retired now and the salary allowed me to buy this hobby farm.
Michael: This just like something out of Meet the Parents
Hayley's Dad: I'm going to ask you a series of questions and I want the truthful answer for each one. Is your name Michael?
Michael: Yes
Hayley's Dad: Have you ever looked at pornographic material?
Michael: Excuse me?
Hayley's Dad: Just answer the question
Michael: No
beepbeepbeepbeeepbeeep
Hayley's Dad: Are you sure?
Michael: Okay I have but I don't have a single bit at home
Hayley's Dad: Okay True....Have you ever taken illegal drugs?
Michael: No
Hayley's Dad: True....Is it true the average Kiwi male has had intimate relations with an animal?
Michael: Yes
Hayley's Dad: Sadly that is true.....Okay I think you've passed this but if you're going to be around here I need to know your a man. Cancel whatever activity you have planned and you'll be joining the boys for a game of Rugby Union.

Join us next time as we document the crazy antics of this household and the big rugby game that is sure to be a laugh.

Do you secretley know my parents?!?! THAT'S WHAT THEIR LIKE!! :laugh: Just kidding, that would be just a little scary. ;)

LMAO ... that would be the day .... :lolsign:

Mrs. Ginn? GINNS DAMN IT!! ;) And that was a nice thing to say. :D:D lol

Michael! :nono: lol

Eeew GROSS LMAO

LOL dude the 'liar detector' test OMG that was classic ... you're a legend lol can't wait for the next one :p

oops ginns sorry bout that! :) i think that was my fav one yet although after the next one i'm struggling to think of where i can go next......at least in good taste lol. the lie detector bit was funny particulary the question about kiwi males and what they do to animals lol.

Yes :laugh: I didn't know if I should tell you that was great or not though .... hahaha

I'm sure you're struggling but how about in the next one we do something exciting .. like ... bungy jumping ... lol

lol I wasen't sure how you would react me "your mum" talking like that but I thought it was hilarious. Bungy Jumping? Now I may be totally inexperienced at it, but I was fairly certain you had to be in the same country! :p

No seriously, I thought it was funny too. And hey, I'm an easy going person I won't take anything too personal. :D